Tuesday, September 27, 2022
HomeHealingFailing to Shield My Mom

Failing to Shield My Mom


Kiss of the solar for pardon. Music of the birds for mirth. You’re nearer to God’s coronary heart in a backyard than anywhere else on earth. ~ Dorothy Frances Gurney

A reader writes: I’ve seen your web web site and located it so fascinating. I misplaced my stunning mom in 2020 having nursed her at residence for ten years. She was wheelchair sure and had dementia however we had a beautiful life collectively. Sadly I spent alot of time throughout these years defending her from Social Providers and Persevering with Healthcare who had been at all times making an attempt to take her away and put her in a house because the care was cheaper in a nursing residence than in her own residence and I needed to have assist from different carers. I used to be her full-time carer and was on the go all day and plenty of nights at occasions. I liked caring for her however the infinite battle with Social Providers left me drained and frightened we might be parted. Social Providers tried every part they may to interrupt me down however I had my religion and like to hold me going.

I’ve spent a lot of my life defending my mom from individuals who have been fairly nasty and at the same time as a toddler I discovered myself defending her from nasty individuals as a result of I liked her a lot and she or he was such a ravishing and type girl, pure of coronary heart and humorous however simply gave the impression to be surrounded by unkind individuals. I additionally spent a few years defending her from the medical career who simply appeared to break her slightly than assist her so I used to be at all times looking for the correct physician or marketing consultant who knew what they had been doing and it is a good factor I did.

I needed to take my mom away from [a local hospital] as a result of had I not taken her from there eleven years in the past she would have died. She was being left to die due to her age and no one might be bothered to assist her, so I sneaked her out with out Social Providers understanding. So, you see, I’ve many incidents of horrible trauma concerned in defending my mom.

Now she rests in a beautiful cemetery however sadly I’ve had numerous bother with the homeowners of the burial floor – they’re monied individuals and assume they’ll hold altering the foundations on what household of the bereaved can plant on the graves. I’ve created a ravishing little backyard for my mom with all of the permitted vegetation however they’re inflicting me a substantial amount of misery about this and threatening to destroy her little backyard. They even eliminated a beautiful little pure Christmas ornament from my mom’s grave with out telling me.

This backyard is the one factor I’ve left I can do for her so it means alot to me. Since my mom died and specifically since this bother on the burial floor I’ve discovered myself each night time worrying and having horrible vivid goals of my mom. Most of those are attempting to guard her and hold her secure and I worry going to mattress at night time as a result of I do know I’ll solely have one other vivid dream about defending her and I’m afraid of going to mattress.

I actually need assistance as I’m so drained and since I imagine in God and heaven I do not perceive why I ought to all of a sudden doubt her happiness – I do know she is with God and is completely satisfied – I actually really feel this however throughout the night time it is as if she is making an attempt to inform me she is struggling and this distresses me terribly.

My response: I am so sorry to be taught of the demise of your mom, and I provide my heartfelt condolences to you in your loss. Sadly there may be nothing I can say that may change how the homeowners of your mom’s burial floor select to function their property, and I am sorry about that, too.

You ask how one can cease dreaming like this, and I invite you to learn the next:

Nightmares and Unhealthy Goals in Grief and Dealing with Goals in Grief 

I do not know something about your religious or spiritual beliefs about life after demise, however as I am certain you already know, whereas it is true that your mom’s bodily stays nonetheless lie buried in that place, your mom’s spirit (or her soul, or no matter you wish to name her residing essence) left her physique when she died ~ and in that sense her spirit now resides with you ~ in your coronary heart and in your reminiscences of her, as a result of she is part of you and you might be part of her, proper all the way down to your very DNA. Demise ended your mom’s life, however not the connection you could have together with her, and positively not the love you continue to have for her.

It appears to me that, given your want to offer and preserve a beautiful little backyard at your mom’s gravesite, you would possibly think about discovering one other plot of floor, maybe in a nook of your individual yard, the place you could have complete possession and management of that house, and the place you possibly can plant and nurture your individual memorial backyard in your mom’s honor. If that is not potential, you possibly can put aside a nook of a room in your house and even only a shelf on which you’ll be able to place mementos of your mother, {a photograph}, flowers or a potted plant, and a candle or two. This might additionally develop into your particular place the place you possibly can go to immerse your self in ideas and reminiscences of your mom so you possibly can “be” together with her in spirit and in your thoughts.

May you think about doing one thing like this ~ in your mother, however most particularly for your self?

Your story jogs my memory of this beautiful poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye:

Don’t stand at my grave and weep,

I’m not there, I don’t sleep.

I’m in a thousand winds that blow,

I’m the softly falling snow.

I’m the mild showers of rain,

I’m the fields of ripening grain.

I’m within the morning hush,

I’m within the swish rush

Of gorgeous birds in circling flight,

I’m the starshine of the night time.

I’m within the flowers that bloom,

I’m in a quiet room.

I’m within the birds that sing,

I’m in every beautiful factor.

Don’t stand at my grave and cry,

I’m not there. I don’t die.

Wishing you consolation, peace and therapeutic 

Afterword: Thanks Marty for such beautiful ideas and phrases. The poem is gorgeous and this I deeply admire. God Bless.

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Picture by Jerzy Górecki from Pixabay
© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, BC-TMH



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